to the girl he loved after me

I think you’re really pretty. I used to hate thinking you were really pretty. I used to wish you were plain; I used to wish you were boring. I used to wish you had dead bodies in your closet or that your Instagram photos weren’t so freakin’ cute. Because maybe then he wouldn’t have chosen you. But a few months ago, I had a life altering realization. And that is why I’m writing this letter. I’ve been wanting to have this conversation with you for a while because I feel that I owe you an explanation as to why I was in love with your love for so long. I know he’s yours now. But he was once mine. And we were once happy. For six months, I was the one who lifted him up and made him feel like a little kid. I was the one racing him down sidewalks and watching him scream I love you at the top of his lungs. I was the one wearing his high school t-shirts and sleeping next to him every other night. I was making him happy. I was his. Because you weren’t there. He had never said your name before. He had no idea that you even existed. And I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy the days when you were nonexistent. The months before I heard your name for the first time were the most beautifully tragic months I’ve ever lived through. I remember the way he looked at me after he heard me sing for the first time. He counted how many times we made eye contact that night and it turned out to be about 30 times… We were kind of ridiculous like that. I remember when I held his hand for the first time. We were watching a movie, when he held his hand out and asked me to lie down next to him. I threw a pillow at his face because I was so embarrassed and shy… but after his third attempt, I took his hand anyway. I remember when he accidentally told me he loved me almost every single day after we’d been dating for two weeks. I’d say something funny and he’d reply, “Ah… and that’s why I love you.” Then he’d run away screaming, “IT WAS AN ACCIDENT PRETEND I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING!“ I remember the moment I thought I realized he was not the guy I was going to end up with. I remember being wrong. I remember watching our love tailspin to rock bottom when I became insecure with the relationship and demanded unrealistic things from him. I remember leaving him. I remember regretting it. I remember not leaving my bed for three months. I remember hearing your name for the first time. I remember crying. A lot. I remember the bad months just as much as the good months. And I honestly can’t tell you which ones hurt more. I sometimes wish I would forget all the sweet facts that make up who he is as a person. But I memorized them as I’m sure you have. We both know he’s an introvert who tries exceptionally hard to be an extrovert. We both know he loves capes for some reason. We both know he suffers from occasional crippling anxiety. We both know how much he loves milk. We both know he loves pulling pranks but is also terrified of getting in trouble because he’s a good boy at heart and we both know basketball means more to him than either of us ever could. We both know him fairly well. You more so than I. But then again, you held his hand much longer than I did. I never so strongly believed in a love like I believed in him. He was the one. Was. Not too long ago, I moved on and I now believe in a new love. A steadier love. And I truly believe there is more than one person out there in the world that we are meant to be with. Because if there’s only one, then wow, we’re all screwed. So if I’m no longer in love with him… why did I decide to write this? Because I want you to know that I feel no resentment toward you. And that I just really hope you make him happy. Because that is all I ever wanted to give him. Happiness. His happiness meant more to me than my own. I was unable to give him the happiness he needed. And it almost killed me. But I hope in the end everything works out better for you. And I hope you get to be with the love of our lives because you really do deserve to be happy. I hope that if you ever decide to leave, he’ll love you enough to stop you at the door and kiss you until you decide to stay. I hope you turn around and promise that you’ll never leave his side. I hope you don’t make the same mistake I did. I hope you stay. Because one of us has to. And it’s much too late for me. I hope your love lasts much longer than ours ever did, and I hope you don’t see me as his ex-love who is resentful because I no longer carry his heart around. I’m merely the girl who was meant to love him right before you came along. And even though I didn’t know that for a very very long time (I may not have known it until I finished writing this letter), I know it now. And it’s a role I’m not ashamed to play. Because at least I got him for six months. At least I had enough time to memorize him completely. At least I have his love safe in my heart so I can revisit it whenever I miss him. I do miss him. A lot sometimes. But I’m always reassured with the beautiful fact that he has you. And you won’t leave him. And that is why I wrote this for you. Because I think you’re really pretty, and I think it may in fact be forever between you two. And if you were meant to be his life long love story, Then I’m just happy to be the prologue.

Love, The girl he loved before you

more than just a feeling; it’s much deeper than that.

It really isn’t just a feeling, it goes way deeper than that. You will meet the one person who impacts your life in ways you thought were unimaginable and it usually comes out of nowhere. I wasn’t looking for you, I wasn’t looking for anything really, but I guess that’s why it makes sense. The best things are unexpected.
As a teenager I crave the attention of the people in my life, but never like I crave for your attention. I crave your touch, look, laugh, smile, attitude, smart ass comments, and your kind heart. You’re such an intriguing human being. I love to watch you talk. You’ll get frustrated at little things and your voice gets higher the more irritated you get. Yet my favorite is when you’re laughing; your voice raises an octave and your eyes light up just before they shut and your heads tilts back. That’s when I like you the most, simply because you’re in your rawest form; you are being you.
I’ve never really viewed home as a person before, well until you that is. I know it’s cheesy to say but I truly do believe that home is where the heart is, and you have my heart. I’ve never felt so adorned by someone. You’re my favorite person. We argue sometimes and you make me want to pull out my hair and I know that I drive you crazy too, but the arguments make us closer.
While this is all fun and happy I have to admit there is nothing worse than the day after. The longing and loneliness that sets in; you feel your chest hollow out and your heart sinks into your stomach because your source of happiness is no longer in such a close proximity. I am an extremely independent person and the fact that another human being is my source of happiness is scary. It’s very scary, but I trust you.
I know I come off as a tad bit crazy sometimes, mostly because I am, but it’s also because I care. The thought of you saying the same things that you say to me to someone else makes my stomach churn. The thought of that brings such an overwhelming amount of pain in my chest. I think of all the people you’ve loved before me and I get such a sensation of burning jealousy because I’m not the only one you have had your eyes on. You have consumed me. You are everywhere. You are the first person I think of while I make decisions and I’ve never been so happy to put someone else’s emotions before my own.
I simply do not get tired of you and I love it. I love that you make my heart race with just the look of an eye or saying something to me. I love that you can make me smile no matter what my mood was previously. I love that you are helping me better myself, and lastly I love the fact that I am head over heels for you.

nonsense

I know how much pain you’re in. I understand why you’ve made the bathroom floor your home and why you haven’t eaten anything in over a week. I get it.
He hurt you.
I know you don’t want to pick yourself off the ground and limp back to the unforgiving world like nothing ever happened. I know this feels like the end for you.
Or at least you want it to be.
I know you had a panic attack last night that left you screaming and crying while throwing your pillow around the room while his words echoed mercilessly inside your head,
“I don’t love you anymore.”
And I know you’re still in love with him. I know you thought you were stronger than him.
I know your argument.
“It was 3am and we were laughing harder than my will could take and his blue eyes had never looked more lovely and his thoughts were for my ears only… And I was screwed.”
I’ve heard the things he’s said. I’ve sat in that bed and watched his perfect lips form promising words.
“It’s different with you.”
“You make me feel so comfortable.”
“I’ve never told anyone that.”
“I think I’m in love with you.”
and other things that you know he hasn’t told another soul.
You thought you were different.
And maybe you were.
But maybe that 3am nonsense talk was just that… nonsense.
And maybe he wasn’t showing you broken, scattered pieces of his soul that were for your eyes only.
Maybe they were just words that were mindlessly said after a long, sleepless night.
You thought he’d stay.
I mean he promised, didn’t he?
You let your darkest thought slip out of your mouth and he was still able to find some small light.
He became your light.
But you need to become your own light.
Because we all say things we don’t mean. We all break promises.
We all get lost in the moment when someone is kissing our neck and we prematurely blurt out,
“I love you.”
We all do stupid things without thinking of the repercussions
We all run around on untouched, fresh snow. We all pick the prettiest flowers and then watch them wilt. We all wear and re-wear our favorite sweater until it tears at the seam.
Sometimes people don’t think, but that doesn’t mean they’re out to burn you.
Please, don’t start looking for that darkness in the world.
I know he chased away some really terrifying storms.
I know he said some really wonderful things.
And I know he’s really pretty
…but so are flowers.
You shouldn’t be on the floor and you shouldn’t grieve over a memory. Because at the end of the day, that’s all he is
…a memory.
I know it hurts right now. Worse than it ever has.
But you have to hold on,
You have to strap your wings back on,
You have to be the stunning light that you are.
Because love will not be the thing that kills you.
That’s unacceptable.
Oh, and one last thing before I go,
Don’t you dare settle for anything less than heaven.

Welcome, first post!

I decided to make a WordPress so I could expand my interaction with you guys outside of twitter, plus I could post things on here that I couldn’t fit in an 140 character tweet. I don’t plan on posting everyday because lets be honest here who has time for that, but I will try to at least post 2 times a week. I’ll try to get this figured out and set up to my liking and hopefully the rest will fall into place. I hope you guys find some interest in this and it helps you a little bit. Here’s my Twitter just incase you don’t already follow it or you wanted to look at it.

Have a wonderful day, loves. xoxo.